Just read today that QEII has confirmed for the Derby.  Although she has been to Kentucky four times previously, she has never been to the Derby or to Louisville. 

Since this is her first time to the Derby, and I’ve been many times, I thought it would be appropriate to offer her some advice.  This could save her a lot of time and maybe some embarassment.

• Don’t be shy about soaking up the Derby experience.  Take a couple of those dudes in the tall furry hats with you (to make sure you don’t get groped) and make a pass through the third turn.  I bet you will say “Blimey” and “Bugger” at least once.
• If you camp outside the gates on Friday night, like I have a couple of times (so you can get prime real estate in the infield), avoid this guy who calls himself the Mayor of the Infield.  You can’t miss him.  He wears a tuxedo coat and a top hat and has a huge button that says “Mayor.”  He is an insufferable bore when he is drunk.  And he will be drunk.  In fact he is probably drunk right now.
• Tip the tellers.  No it doesn’t bring you good luck.  But when you’re the Queen of England people expect a tip for crying out loud.
• Get the $1000 mint julep available on Derby Day.  It’s so not worth it, but in case your friends don’t believe you were really there, you’ll need a nick-nack to prove it.  You can afford it.   
• Don’t be a sucker for the European horses.  The can’t hang with the Yank horses at Churchill.  That’s right, I said it.
• They run ‘em counterclockwise in North America.
• Don’t start cheering like a fool if your horse is in the lead the first time they pass under the wire.  It is the second one that counts.  I’m not saying you would do this, but the tracks are smaller in North America so they have to do a lap.  Everyone around you will be watching you, hoping for the chance to give the Brit crap for this common blunder.
• Put some extra cab money in your sock before you start betting and drinking heavily.  If you have a real bad day at the windows, you’ll be glad you did.
• Rock of Gibralter… Breeders’ Cup 2002..  Mick Kinane…  What the hell?
• Here’s a foolproof way to smuggle beer into the infield - take a twelve pack of Nestea or Sprite and dump out all the cans.  Then put nine of your favorite beer in the carton and then top it off with three of the Nestea’s.  Then glue the flap shut.  If the cops open up the carton, they see Nestea.  Trust me it works.  You can also take a watermelon and inject booze straight into it with a big syringe.  Makes for some tasty melon in the afternoon.  If you get caught, you didn’t hear this from me.
• Don’t expect the fact that you are the Queen of England to cut you any slack in the lines to the ladies room.  Plan ahead!
• Most importantly - opinions are plentiful on Derby Day but most people don’t know squat about racing.  Look me up and I’ll give you the Derby winner.  I’ll be wearing a khaki sport coat and a gold tie.

Hey, that’s all I have for now, but if I think of something else I’ll post another note.  Good luck Your Majesty!!